I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
