My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
