I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
