Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
