either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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