so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
