is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
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