No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
