franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
