do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
