Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
