i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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