the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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