there's paper in my vomit.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So much rum. So many feels.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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