I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
we're making bets on your personal life
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
