I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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