you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize