Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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