i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
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