chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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