my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Just cropdusted the office
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
