Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
