ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
