did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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