the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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