Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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