i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
