To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
