I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
