Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
