so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
