I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
