Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
