ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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