I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
babies were throwing up all over the place
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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