I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
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