Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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