i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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