I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
