That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
