Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
