i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
