He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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