ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
