Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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