I think I am morally bankrupt
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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