guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my vag is so smooth its legendary
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
