I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
