forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
