now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
