I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
