You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
