This is not my ceiling
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Randomize
