No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
