you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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