Where did you get a picture of my penis
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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