he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
