textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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