she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
