bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
